Things that I feel when healing.

As I go back and forth a lot of times, trying to understand what my true self is,I worry about being everything that I was traumatised by. In the process, I feel I am a lot similar to those people who scarred me. I worry about the hurt I might have caused others. That is not good when you already carry a lot of shame and guilt. I am yet to reach those levels of self-compassion and self-love that is accepting of everything I was and I am.

I analyse myself in the worst possible way as well. So I give myself tags like covert narcissist, codependent,avoidant personality etc. Labels don’t help anyone who is trying to heal or fix themselves, I feel. I used to be a firm believer of that. But I still catch myself trying to box myself and also making sure I am not any of that. It becomes a lot for me to take in. I understand rationally that I can carry many of those traits and still not be that. But rationality takes time to work. Sometimes I wonder if I even use the label of CPTSD because it makes it easier for me to accept myself.

The loss I feel towards my wasted potential is another major thing. When I see people from my peer group carry on with their normal stages of life, living a more fuller life, I cannot help but feel left out. Also my breakdown happened when I was working towards something that takes a lot of effort and I have given it up totally now. So doing anything other than that is a reality I find it difficult to accept. I take it as a sign that my recovery has just begun and I am still in denial sometimes.

Also it gets very lonely most times and that makes it even more natural for me to take this road of worry. I have slowly started to reach out to people/groups. Even the hope of healing myself is something very new because of my self-defeating attitudes and behaviours.

So when my worry spirals into these kind of thoughts, I ground myself by accepting that I am still new to recovery and realising that I have many more insights to learn from and work on. Taking it slow is very important as well.

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