The fight/fawn hybrid.

I am someone who falls under the “fight/fawn hybrid type” maybe but I used to be majorly a fight type with a narcissistic defence I believe. I still am, when triggered. Under the Complex PTSD trauma response, I am someone who is driven by the belief that “power and control can create safety, assuage abandonment and secure love”. You can read more on it here,

The insufficient limits set by my parents is the reason I believe. Also I imitated my parents behaviour though I hated them for that. It took me a long time to realise and accept that about myself. I am that typical person in the fight type, who used contempt to intimidate people around me. I used to pride around my moral high ground. I hated people and treated them bad because they were not genuine. But at the same time I craved love and affection and used my people pleasing, codependent and listening traits to achieve that. I swung between the two types hard, depending on the person I am with, I would say.

I created that cycle mentioned by Pete Walker, where the way I treated people created a fearful emotional withdrawal or resentment towards me, which made me feel even more abandoned and, in turn, more outraged and contemptuous, which then further distanced the “intimate”, which in turn increased my rage and disgust and so on.

I was also the entitled fight type in one relationship. I used one of my friend for projecting all my rage and contempt as she was the “captured” freeze or fawn type. We did each other more harm than good in the name of friendship. I wanted out many times but she kept coming back because of her trauma and I took that for granted and treated her like a doormat sometimes. I justified my behaviour saying that she did not give me genuine affection as well. It was an unnecessary trauma we both should have avoided. It created more pain for her than me.

I am now more mindful of my behaviours and triggers. I don’t listen to people just for increasing my value in their life but because I want to and know them better for who they are. I have started practicing the genuine connection that I so wanted from others. I have given up my condescending and contemptuous ways of treating my close ones. But I still carry the shame for all the ways I behaved. There is still a work in progress. I just am grateful that I could at least realise all these!

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