Fear of positive streak.

It happened every time I felt productive and did something for myself. The voice crept in slowly and then grew stronger, as the number of productive days increased. It told me to give up and fail like I always have. It made me recollect all the ways I have messed up before. It happened so often that I started anticipating the failure even before I started. I was conditioned to not start even.

The recovery process that I am going through (maybe from CPTSD) has made me overcome this fear a lot. I do confess that I have days where I try and fail but I atleast try unlike the old days. For now I am highly dependent on a timetable that tracks every hour of the day.

I follow the schedule for everything as to when I should take a shower or the days I have to take head bath. I have a separate tracker for physical activities. I have then included every little thing in my to-do list and tick them off before sleeping. This helps me convince myself objectively that I have been productive. The inner critic shuts up a lot this way and works with me even, like today, I was supposed to write this blog post and it helped me push through, though I totally wanted to give up.

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