I was a crazy person. Especially in my late teens. I obsessed over a boy in the most unhealthy way possible in the name of friendship. I poured out all my generosity on my friends and made them feel bad at one point or the other. I moulded into whoever the other person was and hence had a wide variety of friends. I wanted to be the saviour in everyone’s life. I used my listening skills with people. I listened with such earnestness that they end up feeling very special.
I called all of the above actions as unconditional but it was all conditional. I wanted people to feel good but at the same time I wanted to feel irreplaceable from their life too. I valued myself based on how much the other people around me needed me and liked me. I boiled with jealousy when someone called anyone other than me as a good person. I was obsessed with becoming the nicest person ever.
Of course I didn’t realise any of these back then or for a decade after that. It was too late of a realisation because I had long forgotten to have my own personality by then. I was nothing but a good person. I had no character quirks and I felt very much exposed. I carried shame around the fact that I moulded myself into a person that borrowed or copied “the good” from everyone around me and did not have anything innately good within me. That was again my obsession with becoming the good person but it was for myself.
I wanted to genuinely feel good about myself and not just seen as good person by others anymore. I stopped bothering about other people’s opinion about me gradually and stopped pleasing everyone around me. I worked on setting boundaries and I also did let go of some people with whom I had no real connection but stayed connected anyway because I didn’t want to come across as bad. I was able to feel a little bit more authentic everytime I did something because I felt like doing it and not to just come across as good. Still have a long road to recover fully though.
I will be continuing to record my thoughts on this theme as to why I became obsessed with becoming good in the first place and how it affects various aspects of my life even now etc.