My addictions and distractions

When I started my healing journey, I was unaware as to why I went on doing many things in my life that don’t add any value at all. I didn’t even realise that I was distracting myself from facing the pain the reality causing me. Nothing has a singular cause I believe. My distractions and addictions were an act of escaping from reality. But they were also due to from many other reasons like self-hate, sabotaging behaviours you learn due to the hate, coping mechanism from childhood etc.

My major way of distracting myself from a task at hand is to watch mind numbing amount of television or any show on the internet. When I say mind numbing, it literally was at the peak of my addiction. I lost my brain cells from doing nothing. But I couldn’t stop. By then I had spent years doing that. It was and still is, difficult to stop all together. The other thing I was addicted to was junk food. Food was a major comfort for me because it was with me when I was sad and lonely most of the times in my childhood. I can handle this addiction a lot better now but still struggle at times. Nowadays I tend to treat my addiction equivalent to any other substance abuse like alcohol or drugs. They do harm me in ways the other drugs do. And I got to be better in beating them.

I know what to do and how to do even, to beat these addictions and distractions. Still I don’t. I am still stuck in the phase of blaming things around me. I still have a lot of self-hate left in me. I don’t have the self-esteem that loves to see me succeed. It’s like my inner critic takes pleasure in seeing me fail. So before turning to beat my addiction, I have to accept myself, love myself and show compassion towards myself. I have started my journey towards those goals now.

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