Eating disorder

I binge eat. I have tried and failed all the time before knowing why but now I am getting better. But it is a lot of effort to not overeat. It is a vicious cycle. It primarily stems from the deeply embedded self-hate. The self-hate comes from the narcissistic abuse. I try and overcome the hate by pacifying my inner critic but it wins sometimes. The victory ratio favors me nowadays compared to those days where it was not even a battle worth fighting.

I never had a decent relationship with food. I had zero awareness as to what I ate in a day till the age of 25 even. I still don’t understand as to why I did not eat enough vegetables growing up or why I did not realise they were healthy. I struggled with obesity from the age of 10. I always had an on and off relationship with healthy weight. Even if I did manage to maintain a decent weight, I had more fat than muscle. I binged whenever I wanted to self-sabotage. Eating junk is still my way of comforting myself when things get complicated. I don’t know how to look at this dynamic of overeating and my narcissistic parents. I am still processing the events from childhood regarding the relation. So eating disorder will be a recurring topic in my healing journey.

I do remember that growing up we had to make sure that my father had enough vegetables to eat because he never bought vegetables enough for all four of us. It was an unspoken rule that vegetables are for dad and that we should eat less. It is not like we were poor. He spent more than enough on snacks. He was even proud that he learnt that from his father. Or maybe he never got to have enough snacks growing up that he fed us a lot of snacks. I never once realised that they were unhealthy. I ate junk like they were proper meals. It was like his way of taking caer of his children rather than teaching them proper ways of eating. My mother binged on snack as soon as she came from office because of her stress. I binged on junk after school. No one told me that what I was doing was unhealthy. Also I had no sense of control as in when to stop. I used to overeat till I felt queasy.

I struggle with serving size till date. That’s why I make it a point to not have snacks at home nowadays. I cannot just control myself. Learning about proper diet at the age of twenty seven was a huge revelation for me. I manage to eat well most days nowadays though I spend a lot of my brain space in controlling cravings and avoiding junk. What and how to eat still takes up lot of my time. I just hope I will reach the point where I have a healthy relationship with food soon.

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